New Home
I have moved this blog to Blogger. I will keep the Bloghorn account active for awhile, but will no longer be posting on this site. The link below will direct you to my new home. Thanks for reading.
http://jamie-weblog.blogspot.com/
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Rough Night
I am so incredibly tired. Audrey isn’t human like the rest of us. She just doesn’t sleep. I would give ANYTHING for eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, with my husband, no little body in the middle.
New parent tired isn't like any other kind of exhaustion. It's just constant. It's not like cramming for an exam or anything else that's 36 hours on Jolt cola. It's not like you never sleep, either; you just sleep for such small increments of time, and so randomly, that your body never actually rests. It's a zombie state. It's like this functioning awake.
She’s ten months old! This kid should be sleeping through the night by now. I actually think this kind of tired is worse than the newborn baby tired. At least in the beginning days, I was on maternity leave, could nap in the day with her, etc. Now, I still get relatively little sleep at night, then I have to chase after an active kid all day and function in the workplace. Enough feeling sorry for myself…
I’m really into American Idol this season. I was impressed by some of the guys last night, especially Blake Lewis and Chris Richardson. But especially Blake. I think he’ll go far in this competition.
I have about 10 loads of laundry laying on our basement floor and should try to do something productive on my day off. So here goes.
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Goals
Ok, so I'm a little late on the New Year's resolutions, so I'll just call these personal goals. I'm writing them down in hopes that I'll look back and feel motivated, or hopefully, look back and feel accomplished.
· Lose fifteen pounds and exercise three times a week.
· Do not stay mad at Jason for longer than one hour. Do not get mad over anything petty.
· Stop being a drama queen when we get into arguments.
· Give Audrey a hug and kiss everyday. Tell her that I love her.
· Stop complaining about the messy house and laundry and just do it.
· Find a church to attend in our area. Pray more.
· Turn off the television. Read more books.
· Do not gossip.
· Stop being so hard on myself.
· Not everyone is going to love me. It’s okay.
· Make an effort to meet new friends and keep in touch with old ones.
· Stay more connected to family.
· Stop dressing and looking like a high schooler and start looking more like a twenty-something mother and career woman. Heh.
· Forgive easily.
· Do not get pregnant.
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Relief
JASON GOT THE JOB!
We’re both ecstatic. It’s the perfect opportunity for our family. He will be working as a laborer for the public works department of a local town. The pay and benefits are outstanding. The relief is just awesome. I’m so happy!
After a tense month, things finally feel like they’re falling into place.
While we’re on a roll and I’m feeling upbeat, I’m thinking about other changes…
We’re committed to becoming more financially stable here and setting some goals. We both want out of this cycle of watching our money go out just as quickly as it comes in. This morning, we typed up a budget of our goals, savings plans, etc. This time feels for real. We’re motivated, practical, and know what we want.
I’m also committed to taking better care of myself. This past year, I’ve put so much energy into taking care of my family, but I’ve suffered. I’m incredibly sleep deprived, live on junk food and caffeine, still have ten extra pounds to lose, have serious skin issues (eczema) that is untreated right now, forget to wear make-up most days, haven’t gotten a haircut or color in six months. I want to feel better about myself. “Project Jamie” begins…
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Strained
Someone once told me that there are two ingredients to a successful marriage: love and money. Take away the love, you’ll have problems. Take away the financial stability, you’ll have problems. I had forgotten that quote until now…
We still love each other just as much, but love doesn’t pay the bills. It’s just stress. It’s just money. Jason was laid off at the beginning of the month from a brick manufacturing company. He’s worked there for three years. We depended on his paycheck, his benefits for insurance, etc. This has been devastating. We’re just trying to hang on, take it one day at a time, and know that this won’t last forever. So in the end, we seem to do okay, but I always feel like we’re two paychecks away from the poorhouse.
Jason has a lead on a promising job. I’m afraid to get too excited about it until he’s actually hired, but I’m holding my breath.
It’s more than money. It’s personal stress. An issue that I’m not ready to even discuss. Things right now are just about as bad as they can get.
I just hate the uncertainty. I’m a planner. I want to know that everything will work out accordingly. I want to know that in a few years, we will live comfortably, we will have a nice home, we will take a family vacation, we will have a sense of financial security.
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Love- 365 Days Ago
(Written on 02/14/07...Published 02/16/07)
Twelve months ago...our lives were at the highest possible note. We were pregnant with our first child, making great money, in love with each other. We went on dates most weekends. We were saving money towards our first home. It was perfect until May when we almost lost a child and then later when we did loss a job.
Suddenly, it was for worse, it was for poorer, it was in sickness. We didn’t have money. We were sleeping in the hospital. We didn’t go out together, we didn’t treat each other, we struggled to afford groceries and electric. Whatever extra money we had went towards our baby’s medical bills.
There was only one constant. We were still in love.
In fact, nights when we were driving home from the NICU or nights that Jason was pricing the cheapest cereal at Wal-Mart, I think I adored him more completely than any other time. Jason is a good person. He’s the kind of guy you want in your corner. He’s warm, funny, and has a kind heart. And more than love him, I have faith in him. I have faith that he’ll take care of our family, faith that he’ll raise our daughter well, faith that he’ll be a solid foundation for me.
Last year, I came home to a bouquet of red roses and chocolate covered strawberries.
This year, I came home to a clean house, a fed baby, and four loads of fresh laundry.
There are days that I wish that could go back to being a girlfriend mostly to feel pinned after and doted after. Then there are days like today when I realize I still am.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Jason. I love you.
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